I had a great time at the Dad Daughter Date Night that was held at all our campuses this past Friday night. It got me thinking about the importance of this relationship between a dad and his daughter.
Research shows that our ability to sustain satisfying or committed relationships, find gratification in our work life, be effective parents, speak up and assert ourselves, is largely dependent on the relationship we had and have with our fathers. The father-daughter relationship is a complex one, and even more so given that it has perhaps been explored less than other familial relationships.
These are some of the research conclusions:
- Girls who have a positive relationship with their fathers achieve more academically, make better relationship choices, and have more confidence.
- The daughter who has a fulfilling relationship with her father is usually more trusting, more secure, and more satisfied in her romantic relationships than the daughter with a troubled or distant relationship with her dad. This is the case regardless of whether her parents are married or divorced.
- Women who grow up with meaningful, comfortable, conversational relationships with their dads make better choices in who they date, sleep with, and marry. Sadly, the converse is also true. When women don’t grow up affirmed and acknowledged by their fathers, they can suffer from low self-esteem and make bad choices in their lives. They can become needy, clingy, and preoccupied with the relationship and always looking for reassurance from their partner.
- Women who grow up with an emotionally unavailable father often develop an anxious attachment style, living in a state of fear and distrust.
- Empowerment and belief in them are the bedrock of a girl’s self-esteem. Dads who provide praise, support, and unconditional love increase their daughters’ confidence. Studies show that if he thinks she is beautiful, smart, and strong, she will be more inclined to see herself that way. When they aren’t judged by their looks and they don’t see their dad judging others on looks, girls are more satisfied with their appearance and weight.
- For young women, that self-acceptance is crucial – most girls feel less than confident with their bodies at some point. For some, this is a minor thing. Unfortunately, for many others it escalates. Girls with poor body images may isolate themselves socially, fret over the way they look, and lose confidence. That can lead to depression, anxiety, or eating disorders. With a loving relationship with their dad, girls are less likely to become clinically depressed or develop an eating disorder.
- Dads set the bar for whom their daughter dates – girls often pick those who have similar attributes to their father – and her overall quality of relationships with men. Women with a strong relationship with their father wait longer to enter a serious relationship, become sexually active, and even get married or have children later.
I could share so much more, but it would be hard to overstate the value of the father-daughter relationship. Young women who have a positive relationship with their fathers achieve more academically. They make better relationship choices. They have more confidence, high self-esteem, and believe they can achieve their goals. It doesn’t get more important than that.
Counselors, psychologists – everyone knowledgeable tells us that an absent father produces a father wound that is ever-present. It begins to mold and shape every male relationship a young woman might encounter. The desire to be loved as you are, the yearning for acceptance and security, and the anger and resentment of abandonment all mark the scars that a father wound leaves behind. What’s more, the father wound can affect every aspect of our lives – relationships, jobs, financial stability, self-esteem, and so much more. According to Dr. Amy Mikolajewski, “Women with absent fathers tend to put less value on what a man can bring to relationships.” This leads to lower expectations for what a man in their life would fulfill. “If you think about secure attachment in general, if they have a secure attachment, that tends to set the stage for future relationships.” Healthier relationships set the stage for secure attachment in relationships. A negative father-daughter relationship can cause avoidant and anxious attachment or a disorganized mixture of the two.
Fathers need to be involved in the beginning of their children’s lives. It starts at prenatal classes and follows through each developmental milestone their children face. At the Psychological Services Center of Louisiana State University, parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT) is designed to help address behavioral issues that children might have due to that lack of parent-child connection. Since children form attachments early, it’s imperative that fathers are there each step of the way to nourish and protect their children. This will set the stage for the relationship they have with their children moving forward. As time goes on, your child will see you as a reliable, safe, and secure attachment.
There is a place in the female soul reserved for Dad, or a daddy figure, that will always yearn for affirmation. Not every girl or woman is the same, of course, but almost every girl desires a close bond with this most significant man in her life. She will adore him if he loves and protects her and if she finds safety and warmth in his arms. She will feel that way throughout life unless he disappoints her or until one of them dies. She will tend to see all men through the lens of that relationship. If he rejects and ignores her, or worse, if he abuses and abandons her, the yearning within her becomes more intense, though it is often with resentment and anger.
I am not minimizing a mother’s place. There is a dedicated place in a woman’s soul that no man can fill as well. That is why both parents are essential for the best arrangement for our children. Dads must show the deepest respect for the women in his daughter’s life.
When a father does not value or respond to his daughter's femininity appropriately, she is stunted in her development. When a daughter has little experience in delighting her father as a child, she is incomplete. She is left to discover her femininity for herself, often with tragic results in her relationships with men.
The most casual negative remark made by a dad years ago still echoes in his daughter's heart. The positive encouragements echo for a lifetime as well. I deeply value our men and am not intending to diminish them in any way. Most of them are deeply committed to their families and want to be good fathers. I do want us to recognize, though, the pace of living and the pressures of work make it difficult to remember what really matters in the grand scheme of things. Former Beatle John Lennon wrote this lyric in one of his final songs: "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." How little did he know the truth of what he said. In a few days, he was gone. Dads, let’s do today what tomorrow will find us wishing we had done